


the things you said

by blackbluewoo



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackbluewoo/pseuds/blackbluewoo
Summary: jun wonders if they’ll ever say something outloud.





	the things you said

_things you said at 1am_

 

the dorms were quiet. they usually were silent this late at night, yet jun sat with his head leaning on donghun’s chest, the older man’s fingers carding gently through his hair. he was humming something indecipherable, so quiet that the noise could be mistaken for nothing with the whirring of the fridge and the cars driving past outside. jun felt his eyes start to droop, donghun’s hands slowing in his hair. they fell shut, his neck still awkwardly resting but comfortable enough on his boyfriend’s chest. donghun just chuckled, pressing his lips into jun’s hair.

 

“i love you.” he whispers, his voice surprisingly tight.

 

jun sits up slowly, blinking away sleep.

 

a police car cruises past, it’s sirens distant but blue light flashing over donghun’s features. jun leans forward, gently, kisses him so lightly it doesn’t even feel like their lips are touching. when he pulls away, he mumbles.

 

“i love you too.”

 

_things you said through your teeth_

 

“i don’t know why we even try,” donghun hisses.

 

jun pauses. his mouth was open, ready to retaliate, but donghun voice was loud and his words louder. the way his features softened afterwards told jun that he didn’t mean it, that he was just upset. the anger in the older man’s features dissipated, replaced with immediate concern.

 

jun hated the tears in his eyes. what felt like a ball rose in his throat, making it hard for him to breathe.

 

“i didn’t mean that.” donghun says softly.

 

“i know.” jun replies.

 

_things you said too quietly_

 

donghun recommends jun a book about sacrifices.

 

jun doesn’t end up reading it, letting it sit on their windowsill collecting dust.

 

_things you said over the phone_

 

“i didn’t think i’d miss you this much.” donghun laughed gently, his voice husky from sleep.

 

“it’s been a month. i’d be more concerned if you didn’t miss me,” jun replies, the cockiness in his words not quite making it into his voice.

 

they stayed silent for a few moments, their breathing a reminder that both of them were present. jun had to fight to hold back the ache in his chest that was threatening to spill out into speech, into thoughts that were too melancholy and sad for the words they were exchanging.

 

“just wanna touch you again.” donghun muttered.

 

jun hummed thoughtfully in reply.

 

_things you didn’t say at all_

 

when jun’s childhood friend dies, he goes back to suncheon for two weeks. he knew it was coming eventually- there’s only so long a terminal illness can hold on before it starts to eat you alive. he knew it was coming, but that didn’t stop his gasp of breath and the shattered mug on the tiled kitchen floor. donghun looked up from his seat curiously to see jun’s lips parted, hands gripped tightly around the phone he was holding. he let out a few yeah’s and okay’s before hanging up. donghun watches as jun places his phone on the counter beside him, standing still for a few seconds before sinking to his knees amongst the shards of porcelain on the floor.

 

donghun immediately goes beside him, gathers the younger into his arms. jun was shaking, shoulders heaving, throaty sobs escaping from between his lips. his arms were limp but he felt donghun squeezing tightly around him.

 

after a minute, donghun loosens his arms and pulls jun away from him softly. he takes the younger man’s teary face into his hands, eyes searching his face, thumbs wiping away tears that were falling. all jun could do was grit his teeth and try to cry as silently as possible, as to not alert the other members. his vision was blurry, but he could see donghun staring at him with a soft look in his eyes, mouth open as if he was going to say something. jun knew what it was going to be. _“it’s okay,”, “it’s gonna be fine,”, “he’s in a better place,”._ however, the man opposite him remains silent, pulling jun into his warm embrace again.

 

jun wonders what he did to deserve him.

 

_things you said under the stars and in the grass_

 

“you know, we’re all made of stardust,” donghun says, thumb running over jun’s knuckles.

 

they’re laying in the grass, side by side, hands linked. the wind bites at jun’s bare skin. every other second he squirms, uncomfortably aware of the insects that are around him. now, though, he just tilts his head towards donghun, laughing.

 

“that’s not true.”

 

“hey! why don’t you believe me?” donghun chuckles in disbelief.

 

“you tell me a lot of things to make me look stupid,” jun retorts.

 

“okay,” donghun agrees, smirk making it’s way across his face. “but this is true, i promise. right here-”

 

donghun loosens his grip on jun’s hand to slide down to his wrist. he lifts it up so the moonlight finds its way to illuminate the ribbons of blue beneath the tan skin. with a delicate index finger he presses against jun’s veins. jun looks up at donghun, the older’s expression focused, tongue pressed against the back of his teeth. his hand slides down jun’s wrist, snaking down his veins until they became invisible.

 

“the iron in your blood. only made in the core of dying stars.” donghun mumbles.

 

he brings jun’s wrist up to his lips and kisses it. the younger man giggles, calling him soppy and over emotional, but donghun just laughs, interlocking their fingers again.

 

_things you said while we were driving_

 

“sometimes i feel like we’re the moms,” donghun chuckles quietly, as to not disturb the sleeping members in the back. jun’s eyes are barely open, but he manages to mumble a “hmm?” in inquiry.

 

“you’re the one that packed their food. you made sure chan didn’t forget his medicine, and you did byeongkwan’s tie for him. i’m driving. i’m the one who made the schedule. i stopped byeongkwan from trying to wheel chan through an empty parking lot in a trolley. we’re the parents.”

 

jun snorts slightly, adjusting himself in his seat so he faces donghun. the sun is setting, and it lights up donghun’s face, the dip under his eyes and the curve of his cheekbone. it reflects in his eyes, making the usually dark pools of chestnut seem impossibly bright and gold.

 

“my husband~” jun coos sleepily, closing his eyes again.

 

donghun just laughs.

 

_things you said while you were crying_

 

jun holds donghun’s shoulders. he usually wasn’t as affectionate around the other members, but tears were dripping down his boyfriend’s face and jun felt a pang in his chest. he wanted to make sure he was okay, even if he knew donghun could be over-emotional about the smallest things sometimes. jun wiped away his tears, pulled his face into his chest and his shoulders heaved. after a few seconds, he began sniffling, and jun pulled him away to look into his eyes again.

 

“i’m so lucky,” donghun said, his voice breaking midway. “to have you, to have everyone. i wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else.”

 

jun chuckled and rolled his eyes, but pulled donghun back in. the older man’s grip was tight, jun’s t-shirt balled in his fists. he kissed the top of donghun’s head and pretended not to notice when chan faked sticking his fingers down his throat.

 

_things you said that made me feel like shit_

 

“are we worth it?” donghun whispers.

 

“what do you mean?”

 

“this. us. we’re risking everything.”

 

jun almost scoffs out loud.

 

“what, you think we’re not important?”

 

a beat of silence passes.

 

“that’s not what i said.”

 

another silence, longer this time. jun feels something weird and tight in his chest, all the way down to his stomach. he knows what donghun’s saying, but he doesn’t even want to consider it. he doesn’t want to think about it. he wants everything to be the same, like it is now.

 

“i know,” junhee finally sighs. “i’m sorry.”

 

_things you said when you were drunk_

 

junhee had never thought of himself as the sober friend, because he wasn’t. sehyoon and donghun had shouldered that role more often that not, but after a particularly bad game of rock-paper-scissors, jun ended up being assigned the position. chan didn’t drink much, so he could help, only with a little bit of convincing and the promise of a free lunch. sehyoon held his alcohol well- jun couldn’t even tell he was drunk most of the time apart from his high pitched laughter and slurred speech.

 

byeongkwan was what jun called a chaotic drunk. however, with sehyoon’s supervision, after they left the restaurant, they parted from donghun and jun with chan to get up to their own schemes.

 

donghun was so wasted he could barely stand, drunk to the point where he was stumbling over and singing in a high pitched voice, kicking the stones beneath his feet and blowing raspberries. he leaned on jun, even though they were in public, their bodies pressed together, the bitter smell of beer and cologne radiating off of him.

 

“junhee,” donghun whined, his voice rising a pitch as they walked. “i think we should go to paris and get married.”

 

“marriage? when?” jun laughed.

 

“soon. as soon as we have enough money. then i’ll make you my husband.” he said sloppily, pressing a finger into jun’s cheek.

 

“ah-hey! okay, we’ll do that. we’ll be husbands, eventually. Is that what you want to hear?”

 

donghun giggled.

 

“paris in spring,” he said airily.

 

_things you said when you thought i was asleep_

 

“i wish i could love you forever,” jun hears donghun whisper.

 

the older man is inches away from his face, their bodies tangled beneath the sheets. they don’t have enough room to sleep next to each other at home, but whenever they go abroad they share a bed because donghun is clingy and he likes holding onto jun while they sleep. jun always pretends to protest, turning away from his boyfriend before the older man curls his arms around his waist, pressing soft kisses into the back of his neck. jun pretends to give in, but he thinks donghun can see right through him anyway.

 

usually, he doesn’t say much. tonight is different, jun supposes. he stays perfectly motionless in the older man’s arms, not even daring to breathe out of place in case donghun clams up.

 

“will i have to leave you?” he asks, to no-one. “you have to be with someone you can tell the world about.”

 

jun feels an ache, something empty where his heart should be.

 

“i love you,” donghun murmurs.

 

with that, donghun places a gentle hand on jun’s nape and pulls him closer, so jun’s face is buried in his t-shirt. he’s careful not to blink, not to move, but he can’t stop the tear that rolls down his cheek. he wonders if donghun feels it through his shirt.

 

he wonders if they’ll ever say something outloud.

 

_things you said at the kitchen table_

 

jun wakes up late, his entire body heavy. the bed next to him where byeongkwan usually sleeps is empty, and as jun rises and touches the mattress he feels it’s cold. dazed and still half asleep, he manages to will his body to walk towards out of their shared room in into the main part of the dorm. some subconscious part of him smells cooking, but he’s too tired to properly process what it is, so he pads into the kitchen.

 

standing there, placing strawberries on top of a stack of pancakes, is donghun. jun blinks blearily before walking over, linking both arms around his boyfriend’s waist, nose buried in the back of his shirt. he’s freshly showered, the smell of shower gel on his skin faint beneath the vanilla perfume he wears.

 

“go sit down. i’ll bring you breakfast.” donghun offers, shrugging away from jun’s touch.

 

“why are you being so nice to me?” jun asks tiredly, making his way back to the kitchen table and taking a seat. he absently wonders where the rest of the members are. they have a schedule later today, and they need to be back in the next few hours.

 

as promised, donghun brings two plates of pancakes and sets one down in front of junhee. he places his fingers underneath the younger’s chin, guiding his head up to meet in a small kiss. donghun pulls away and smiles fondly, hands running across his boyfriend’s jawline.

 

“happy anniversary.”

 

jun’s eyes widen.

 

“donghun, i’m so sorry-”

 

his boyfriend’s features crinkle in laughter before he plants another soft kiss against jun’s lips, reassuring him that it’s fine.

 

“where are the kids?”

 

“ah, i told them to give us a few hours. we could’ve had more time but you looked so tired so i let you sleep.”

 

“you’re...” jun begins, but he’s cut off midway by donghun kissing him again.

 

_things you said after you kissed me_

 

“why do you love me?” donghun asks.

 

jun is taken aback. he looks up at donghun’s face to see if he’s being serious, to see if he’s missed something, but his expression is genuine and thoughtful.

 

“lots of reasons. too many to count.”

 

donghun pulled an almost sour expression, and jun guesses he wanted a more concrete answer.

 

“because you care. about me, about other people, about everything. you know what to say and do for people, you know how to take care of them. because if i didn’t love you i don’t know how i’d manage.”

 

he feels donghun perk up slightly, his arm squeezing around jun’s waist.

 

“good answer,” he chuckles.

 

_things you said with too many miles between us_

 

donghun picks up on the third ring with a sleepy groan.

 

“nightmare?” he asks before jun can say anything.

 

“yeah. i wanted to make sure you were okay.” jun says anxiously. he’s sat upright in his bed, blanket pulled close to his chest.

 

“i’m fine, junhee. i’m in my room.”

 

jun lays back down again, heart rate slowing just a little as he hears the slurred words escape from his boyfriend’s lips.

 

“miss you,” jun whispers, voice impossibly small.

 

“mm. miss you too.”

 

_things you said with no space between us_

 

they were so close together junhee thinks he’s forgotten where his body ends and donghun’s starts. the older man’s hands are all over him, lips all over every bare piece of skin they can find purchase on. jun clings onto donghun’s hair and pulls him up to meet in a kiss. donghun kisses him deeply, hand finding support on junhee’s shoulder, pushing him into the mattress. jun whines and squirms, uncomfortable under the weight.

 

donghun pulls away, smirk breaking across his face.

 

“pretty,” he comments, hands running down junhee’s sides and fingers grazing over his stomach.

 

jun reaches up and covers his face, and donghun laughs.

 

“ah, pretty. so, so pretty. it’s true,” donghun remarks, pulling jun’s hands away from his face. “every single bit of you. so pretty. even prettier when you’re begging for me to touch it.”

 

jun suddenly exhales, something curling in his stomach.

 

_things you said that i wish you hadn’t_

 

“we can’t keep hiding forever,” donghun mumbles.

 

“do we have to talk about this now?” jun asks, tired and bitter smile across his face, swirling his ramen around with a fork.

 

“when will we talk about it?”

 

there’s a beat of silence.

 

“i’ll love you forever, junhee.”

 

jun looks into his bowl, and laughs humorlessly.

 

“i know.”

 

_things you said when you were scared_

 

_“no, i’m not family, but i’m his best friend, we need to know if he’s okay! i’m convinced you must hate idols or something, we’re his bandmates, his friends, we need him! can you even do your job correctly? maybe check his emergency contacts? phone his parents? something?”_

 

jun blinks sleepily as he wakes up. the first thing he notices is that he’s hooked up to an iv. the second thing he notices is that his arm is wrapped in a cast. the third thing he notices is that he’s not laying in his own bed, he’s tucked so tightly into plain white sheets he thinks he’ll choke, the anti-bacterial scent of the hospital wafting up his nostrils as he wakes.

 

the last and arguably most important thing he notices is donghun and byeongkwan arguing with a nurse outside of the door. he smiles gently, the muscles in his face aching when he even lifts the corners of his mouth.

 

after a few seconds more, his members walk through the door, looking tired and drained as ever. he’s tempted to ask them why, ask them if they’ve drank and ate, but he has a sneaking suspicion he’s about to get yelled at by donghun.

 

“you _idiot_ ,” donghun shouts, anger in his eyes.

 

“ah, what did i do-?” jun protests weakly, holding out a hand for chan to take as he tearfully approaches.

 

“nothing. you just got in an accident, someone swerved into your car. you lost a lot of blood, but you’ll be fine.” sehyoon informs him, pulling up a seat beside his bed.

 

“we were so worried, all manager-hyung told us was that you got in an accident and you’re having a blood transfusion. we’re glad you’re okay.” chan smiles reassuringly, patting jun’s shoulder.

 

donghun wipes away his tears with the back of his hand at the foot of the hospital bed.

 

“hyung,” jun calls. “stop crying. i’m fine.”

 

donghun approaches him slowly, brushes his bangs away from his forehead. he presses a kiss there, which must be fairly unpleasant considering how disgustingly greasy jun feels, but he does it nevertheless.

 

“i don’t know what i would’ve done if you weren’t okay.”

 

“you don’t have to worry.” junhee reassures his boyfriend, smiling as wide as he can.

 

_things you said when we were the happiest we’d ever been_

 

it’s their two week break before they have to start training for their new comeback, and although spending time apart would be the reasonable thing to do, donghun decided he would take junhee to the beach. so, he did.

 

it was a great idea.

 

if jun was beautiful before he was stunning now, the chill wind reddening the tip of his nose and the apples of his cheeks but the intense sun bronzing his skin against the open white t-shirts he wore.

 

the best part of their stay was when it started raining on the fourth day whilst they were at the beach. they began to run back, using their inconveniently large beach umbrella as a shield against the now-torrential rain, quickly forming into hail.

 

junhee thinks, once he gets into the car and manages to fold away the umbrella without stabbing donghun in the eye, that he has never laughed so much in his entire life. he’s still breathless and gasping once he’s in the car, keeled over the dashboard and struggling for air. donghun is panting in his own seat, wiping his wet bangs out of his eyes.

 

they eat takeaway in the backseat of the car, still in thin t-shirts and shorts that are soaked completely through. the air is light and they have no responsibilities, and even when jun kisses donghun and he tastes a little too much like seafood, he doesn’t mind.

 

“i love you,” jun says, grinning.

 

“i love you too,” donghun replies. he reaches his free hand up and ruffles jun’s hair, a chipmunk smile on his face from his cheeks stuffed with takeaway, and the younger can’t help but laugh.

 

_things you said i wasn’t meant to hear_

 

junhee pauses in the kitchen doorway. his boyfriend’s back is to him, and he contemplates surprising him by approaching and pressing a kiss to the curve of his shoulder, but he hears donghun speaking lightly.

 

“yes, mom, i’m eating. i’ve taken the vitamins you sent.” donghun chuckles.

 

“junhee? yeah, we’re still together. i’ve told you. i love him.”

 

jun smiles to himself.

 

“i might just marry him, if things work out well.” donghun suggests, in a more hushed tone than before.

 

jun takes that as his cue to leave, and if donghun notices the way jun discreetly lets him know his ring size, he doesn’t say anything.

 

_things you said when we were on top of the world_

 

their comeback takes off. they don’t know what does it. they practice as hard as they can, like they usually do. they do interviews and variety and go on radio shows. but jun knows he’s accomplished something when he hears his voice in stores he goes to, when he gets recognised on the streets, when on his last stage performance the fan chants were louder than the music to the point where he almost lost track of the beat.

 

their next comeback is just as big, if not bigger. jun feels like he’s finally achieved his dream when he sends envelopes of his paycheck home to his dad.

 

he gets offers for dramas and he takes them. jun makes a lot of friends he would’ve never dreamt of before. he meets taemin again, across a dinner table at a fancy restaurant. this time, the other man compliments him on how far he’s come. junhee just laughs and looks into his champagne glass, wanting to be anywhere but there.

 

they finish group promotions. junhee and chan both get offers to go solo completely, but jun only takes up the album offer. chan rejects it, saying he doesn’t think he’s ready yet, but junhee is. he’s never been more ready.

 

korea welcomes him with open arms. his album gets an all-kill.

 

they perform at the end of year awards. when their name is called for best album of the year. jun sits still for a few moments, the cheers ringing in his ears but his brain not quite processing it. the walk up to the stage is long, but donghun grabs his wrist, guiding him a long. jun’s legs are shaking and he doesn’t know how he’s still standing. despite his stuttering, he manages to give a speech, even if he doesn’t understand what he’s saying. maybe the audience doesn’t either, but he sees his friends stand up for the applause, the audience screaming his name.

 

after the awards show is over, jun thinks he’s too delirious to think about even going to an after party. a.c.e sit in their dressing room, wiping off makeup, byeongkwan talking too fast and too excitedly with too many hand motions for anyone to even think about trying to understand what he’s saying.

 

donghun sits beside him, arms in his lap, leaning forward slightly. jun looks at him in the reflection from the mirror, still rubbing a wet wipe at his eyes. the older man looks regretful, a bittersweet look across his features.

 

“we did it.” was the only thing he said. jun pretends not to notice the tears in his boyfriend’s eyes, and the crushing feeling in his chest.

 

_things you said after it was over_

 

nothing.

 

it was painfully silent, but jun didn’t know how to change that. he didn’t know what to say, and he would’ve been lying if he didn’t see it coming. yet, he sits still in his chair, slightly in shock, tears threatening to spill.

 

“don’t cry,” donghun says opposite him, his voice thick.

 

jun laughs tearfully.

 

“i thought we were going to get married,” jun says bitterly. “sorry if i’m sad that you’re breaking up with me.”

 

donghun pauses, lips parted, as if he’s going to say something. all jun wants to do is punch him in the face. his bangs droop into his eyes, highlighting the dark circles against his pale skin. jun wonders how long he’s been thinking about this. how long he’s known.

 

“i still love you,” donghun murmurs, so quietly jun almost can’t hear it.

 

“is that supposed to make me feel better?” jun scoffs.

 

he meets donghun’s eyes, and he’s right. he’s always right when it comes to donghun but donghun is so, so wrong.

 

“i don’t care what people think,” jun repeats.

 

“i’m not letting you throw away your career.”

 

silence. there’s too much silence. but, jun guesses, there’s nothing they can really say. they don’t live together anymore, ending up moving into separate apartments when jun’s solo career took off. they don’t have to see each other ever again.

 

somehow, that hurts more.

 

“what if i fall in love with another guy?” jun asks.

 

“you won’t,” donghun says firmly. “you’ll fall in love with a girl. it’s better like that.”

 

jun just laughs.

 

_things you said when we saw each other again_

 

“i’d do it again.”

 

jun looks at him, the lights of the party too dim to identify the face but he could recognise that voice anywhere. the younger man is leaning against the wall, glass of wine in his hand, one foot against the wall and a hand behind his back.

 

“our relationship or throwing it all away?” jun whispers to his glass, eyes diverted from the man opposite him.

 

“us. i’d love you a hundred times again, i’d train with you and fall asleep with you and make breakfast for you again.”

 

“what about breaking my heart? do you want to do that again, too?” jun questions, disbelieving, looking up suddenly to meet donghun's eyes.

 

donghun looks at him beadily. he’s doing well. silk shirt unbuttoned, exposing the middle of his chest. a gold watch sits on his wrist, accompanied by several metal bracelets that clink everytime he raises his glass to drink. his hair is longer, now, chestnut coloured and falling into his eyes. he smells of sharp perfume, the vanilla smell jun so clearly remembers from just a year ago gone.

 

“you know why i left you,” donghun says simply.

 

“why were you so ready to leave?” jun questions, his voice pitching higher. “we could’ve been married.”

 

“married, in front of everyone? in front of the world?”

 

a police car cruises by, and jun catches a glimpse of donghun’s face lit up in red. he looks away.

 

“i never cared about the world. i cared about you. didn’t you love me?”

 

“i love you too much to let the world hate you,” donghun answers, smiling sadly.

 

jun tips his wine into the sink beside him, and leaves.

 

when he gets back home he throws up, throat sore and dry and eyes swollen from crying. it hurts to breathe. his knees scrape against the harsh surface beneath him, but it's somewhere in the back of his mind. it's nothing compared to what he feels as his heart breaks.

 

_things you said that i’ll never forget_

 

“hey, park junhee,” donghun called.

 

jun looked up from his phone, seeing donghun standing in front of him. he was wearing jun’s old sweater, hair messed up from sleep. a smile creased his features.

 

“you know i love you, right?”

 

jun grinned, looking back down at his phone and letting out a small tsk.

 

“mm. i love you more.”

 

“not possible,” donghun laughed, coming to stand beside his boyfriend, head leaned on his shoulder, watching as jun’s candy crush level ends.

 

jun tucked his phone into his back pocket, still smiling. he leaned forward, hands on donghun’s face, and kissed him. he tasted of strawberry chapstick.

 

“why are you being so sentimental today?” jun asked as he leaned his forehead against donghun’s.

 

“because i don’t tell you enough and i don’t want you to forget,” donghun replied, kissing him again. “i’ll love you ‘til the day i die.”

 

jun only scoffed, leaning forward to meet his boyfriend in another chaste kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos shishters  
> come scream at me on twitter @blackbluewoo


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